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I just finished Breaking Dawn and IT WAS EVEN WORSE THAN THE OTHER THREE Twilight books. Strangely enough, it was better written, but the plot…the plot…oy vey. Then again, it was so bad, it provided the unique experience of forcing bile down your throat while at the same time suppressing violent bouts of laughter.

SERIOUSLY SMEYER?

For those who don’t want to slog through 600 odd pages of drek, click here for Cleolinda’s commentary, or I could just tell you I guess - I’ll recap all the books just in case:

- In the first book, Not!Awesome Adoraklutz (TM cleolinda) Bella Swan meets the best lookingest creepy vampire in town, Edward Cullen (who SPARKLES in the sun), and it’s TWUE WUV at first sight (well, OK, at HIS first sight, because he’s always sneaking in her room while she sleeps to WATCH HER because she SMELLS SO GOOD). Anyhow. Swayed by this display of creepiness romantic attitude, Bella of course rejects the advances of her best friend (who turns out to be a werewolf), and instead wants to become a vampire to stay with Eddie forever, which he doesn’t seem to appreciate.

- Thus, in the second book, Edward sulks and leaves town. Bella is depressed (but still awesome) for like 300 pages, and then throws herself off a cliff, only to be rescued by her werewolf best friend. Eddie, however, doesn’t get the message in time and wants to off himself by SPARKLING publicly in Italy (which implies being killed by the Italian Vampire Police). But: He is rescued by Awesome Bella, who convinces the Italian Vampire Police that everything is AOK. Happiness ensues. Only not if you’re the werewolf best friend.

- Third book: People who Bella & Eddie messed with in the first book return. And they have brought an army. In other news: Bella not a vampire yet. Complaining ensues. Eddie wants to marry Bella, but she doesn’t. Complaining ensues. Bella wants to have sex with Eddie but he doesn’t. Complaining ensues. Bella STILL not a vampire yet, thus aging. Complaining ensues. Werewolf best friend still in love with Bella. Moping ensues. Seriously, this book is all about the COMPLAINING AND MOPING AND ANGSTING! At the end, the vampire army is defeated and Bella accepts Eddie’s proposal. Which brings us to

- Book number four. Whoa boy, does it bring us to book number four.

First, Bella & Eddie get hitched (yay, no more complaining). Then they have sex (how? if vampires do not have blood in their veins, HOW?). Bella instantly gets pregnant with the VAMPIRE BABY OF DEATH (sex is bad, mkay). Which everybody hates. Except Bella, who wants to keep it (abortion = BAD). And then it gets really disgusting. No, really. Trust me.

The vampire baby a) drinks Bella’s blood, b) punches her black and blue, c) breaks two of her ribs, then her pelvis, and then d) FREAKING BREAKS HER SPINE EWWWWWWW. Then it tries to GNAW ITS WAY OUT OF HER BELLY, and an emergency birth has to be induced. Well, induced…it consists of EDWARD GNAWING THE BABY OUT OF HER BELLY. EWWW EWWW HORRIBLE TRIPLE EWWWW……

Anyhow. The baby turns out to be totally awesome, so as soon as the werewolf best friend sees the baby, he INSTANTLY FALLS IN LOVE WITH IT (seriously, not making this shit up). And Bella is finally turned into the awesomest vampire ever, narrowly edging out Edward. Who she has sex with again. Because they are both so awesome. Yay! Roses and unicorns for everybody (again, seriously, the quote is “It was a place where anyone could believe magic existed. A place where you just expected Snow White to walk right in with her apple in hand, or a unicorn to stop and nibble at the rosebushes.”)

But no! The Italian Vampire Police is back (nobody expects the Italian Vampire Police!) to kill the baby (who is so awesome, she can sing and dance and read and quote poetry - NO, I’M STILL NOT MAKING IT UP) Luckily, Bella is such an awesome vampire, she stays awake through 200 pages of International Vampire Helpers arriving and Italian Vampire Police Chief blathering, and then singlehandedly saves everybody by her AMAZING POWER SHIELD OF AWESOMENESS. Go home, International Vampire Helpers, and be ashamed that you’re not as awesome as Bella, Edward, and their Demon Spawn. Whose name is Renesmee, by the way (WAHAHAHAHA). The book ends with the werewolf waiting for the baby to finally age to be his TWUE WUV BRIDE (TOTALLY DISGUSTING EWWW), and Bella and Edward having sex. (HOW? still is not explained)

The more I think about this, though, I’m starting to enjoy the thought that I want to see this turned into a movie so badly. Please let us see RPatz tear at the belly of a pregnant whatshername with his teeth. I bet he would enjoy it, too. And then: Sparkly sex! Infant Love! More Sparkly Sex! It will be

wait for it

wait for it

AWESOME!